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Thode Life

These days, thanks to my busy work load and school schedule, I spend a majority of my week working in a library doing homework. Since, it’s ideal to work in groups to solve some of these impossible questions from profs who think they are smarter than you but they aren’t, I find Thode library a hallowed place of productivity of me. From the various smells and sights in the library to the crummy internet that keeps disconnecting my laptop, I feel I’m pretty good at adjusting to the various up and down’s of Thode.
There’s a lot of secrets I’ve discovered in the past semester to keep my sanity while doing all of this, though. Most of them don’t involve drugs, and some of them are even legal.

Retaining your street cred while sipping coffee

Every now and then you’re going to be stuck in a Thode for a long period of time. You’re in the barren wasteland of cafes around Thode, devoid of anything with any mixtures of {Adjective + Container} brands of coffee you can come up with.
So you’re resigned to a singular choice that no proud coffee-head can be happy with: you have to go work out of a Marley Coffee. Yuck!

I know, gross. Marley Coffee is so revolting, and they come from Jamaica, and to be truly Canadian one must sip a classic double-double from Tim Hortons while singing the national anthem on a moose into the cold and unpromising arctic air.

If you do end up purchasing a drink, it’s going to be a huge blow to your ego to be seen drinking out of a Marley coffee cup. So do as I do: get a gigantic soda from your local big chain movie theater complex(cough coughCineplex) and slip the entire Marley coffee cup in there. Then instead of losing street cred due to your coffee choices, you can impress people with your ability to sip from what is obviously a year’s serving size of soda.

Otherwise you could just ignore everyone. I mean I don’t even drink coffee so who cares if Marely coffee isn’t Canadian enough.

Wi-Fi

Your ultimate goal in life is to look like some kind of touched soothsayer as you walk around your university, your phone and laptop authing to different macsecure wi-fi hotspots as you go, since you’ve already joined one of them in the past. It’s basically like that scene with Cypher from The Matrix, except instead of saying “All I see are blonde, brunette, redhead…” you’d say “All I see is WPA2, Enterprise, Macsecure, …”.

If there is too many people on the network, you’re good: just connect, and fire open your assignments or sites, so those jerk holes don’t gank your traffic and kick you off the network, and you’re up and running.

For these situations, where I do get dropped off the wifi, I like to check around the library for who is evil enough to stream HD content on their laptop and stare at them until they awkwardly stop. If that doesn’t succeed, it’s best to bring an industrial-sized spool of ethernet cabling with you and plug into one of the desktops around the library. Problem solved.

Bandwidth Courtesy

Moreover as mentioned above, many times when you’re in thode, the internet will either be not super great, or simply spread way too thin amongst greedy internet-sucking leeches.

So I’ve made a node.js tool for Linux to help you out: it’s called bandwidth-friends will automatically turn your volume up as loud as possible— even if you’ve muted your computer! — to make sure that you are being extra nice while informing the rest of the library.

Once ran using the node server, it’ll monitor the transfer of bandwidth on your machine. If you happen to go over the threshold — say, you were busy downloading pirated copies of the latest favorite TV episodes — your laptop will, print the following words:

ATTENTION ATTENTION I AM CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING A HIGHER THAN NORMAL BANDWIDTH VOLUME, PLEASE ACCEPT MY APOLOGIES WHILE I USE THE INTERNET TO WATCH CAT VIDEOS ON YOUTUBE.

Worried about playing this at the appropriate volume in a crowded library? Don’t worry, that’s a perfectly normal concern!

bandwidth-friends will automatically turn your volume up as loud as possible— even if you’ve muted your computer! — to make sure that you are being extra nice while informing the rest of the library.

Together, we can all help each other out while on the internet.

Be the change Thode Deserves

Not having a proper library to study in can be difficult, but with the tool above you’ll become a proper, caffeinated, horrible person, just like everyone else in a normal library.

Happy studying!